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SAYINGS

OF THE WEEK

 and a few thought's


"Live today as if it is your last day here on earth...

 You never know what tomorrow has in store!"
 

PAUL KLIMA  APRIL 2010


LEAVING TOWN

 

To help save the economy, the Government will announce
next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting
seniors (instead of illegal's) in order to lower Social Security
and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember
how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.......

 
Then it dawned on me ...

oh, shoot ...
I'll see you on the bus!


 MY OLD DRAG RACING SAYING:

"I love the smell of octane in the morning..."

"It smells like ...... VICTORY!! "


"Dance Like Nobody Is Watching,
Work Like You Need The Money,
Love Like You've Never Been Hurt,
Be Good To Yourself And Others,
And Don't Forget To Take Pictures!"


"I have never killed a man,

 but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."

 Clarence Darrow
 


"I didn't attend the funeral,

But I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Mark Twain


Tragic news from up north . . .

SARAH WAS BAD!!

scroll down...

 

 

 

 

 

 



Tee Hee Hee !!


C O L O R
IS

GOOD!



Yesterday I went to the doctor

for my yearly physical.

My blood pressure was high ....
 
My cholesterol was high .........
 
I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel
so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't
have to be complicated and it would solve
my physical problems.


He said: Just think in colors. Fill your
plate with
bright colors. Try
some greens, oranges, reds, maybe
something yellow, etc.


So I went right home and ate an entire
bowl of
 


   
And sure enough, I felt better immediately.

I never knew eating right

could be so easy !!!  

 


The Pastor's New Dentures.
 
MY DAD SENT THIS ONE JULY 2011....
 
The New Dentures
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

 

The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

 

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

 

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

 

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

 

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

 

But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't shut up...

Something to make you laugh out loud.

Enjoy!

-----------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She

asked,

'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

--------- ---------

--------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our

upcoming anniversary. She

said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

--------- ---------

--------- -----

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take

her someplace

expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

--------- ---------

--------- -----

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to

apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my

driver's license to

verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had

left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I

would have to go home and

come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my

shirt revealing my curly

silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest

is proof enough for me'

and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my

experience at the Social

Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might

have gotten

disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

--------- ---------

--------- -----

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school

reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat

alone at a nearby

table.

My wife as ked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand

she took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear

she hasn't been sober

since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could

go on celebrating that

long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

--------- ---------

--------- -----

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some

reason, took my order

first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her

husband, 'I feel horrible;

I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near

perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller

Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night

than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look

big.

I told her not as

much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came

from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled

at the man 'Holy

crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked

jumped out the window. He

smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush

and to his car as fast

as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the

bedroom and screamed at the

woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you

running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made

my lunch, grabbed the

dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to

back out into a

torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the

garage, turned on the

radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all

day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and

slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different

anticipation, and

whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my

stupid husband is out

fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our

anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet

appreciation. "Somewhere I

haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

"Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....


 

THE WEDDING...

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."


THIS WAS GOOD COPY THIS AND SEND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS;

"Where is God"


A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who
were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief
occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy
made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the
boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it.!"


From Clayton in Iowa;

Subject: The Witness

This is supposed to be a true story:

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running, several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow provided the description of this so-called offender.

Q. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes  in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and

sometimes.......

lawyers have been known to walk through that room!

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was

called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's

"Best comeback" line and we think he'll win.



Pennies from heaven;

 I always thought that it was for Good Luck, but I like this better

I found a penny today

Just laying on the ground,

But it's not just a penny

This little coin I've found.

 

Found pennies come from heaven

That's what my Grandpa told me,

He said Angels toss them down

Oh, how I loved that story.

 

He said when an Angel misses you

They toss a penny down,

Sometimes just to cheer you up

To make a smile out of your frown.

 

So don't pass by that penny

When you're feeling blue

It may be a penny from heaven

That an Angel's tossed to you.


This is my new moto;

"Life is short get out there and get it done, say what needs to be said,

and above all live today as it is your last day here"


THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST ONES:

"WHIP LIGHT!, GO SLOW.....

 

PAY CASH!,   OR DON'T GO!"

JACK PARKER

OTTUMWA, IOWA

FROM THE 1930'S

 


 

 

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